Five Ways To Nudge Chelsea’s AVB Into Resigning
As the full-time whistle blew yesterday at Stamford Bridge, bringing to an end a disappointing 1-1 draw against Birmingham City, the boos rung out and fans leaving the ground could be heard muttering the words Jose and Mourinho. With the score at 1-0, City fans even chanted his name – Chelsea fans must have been more than a little tempted to join in.
Chelsea seem like they’re in a bit of an awkward moment. People like AVB, but how much longer can he continue when results and performances aren’t what they should be? With a 3 year contract on reportedly £150,000 per week, and the club having already paid out £69m in compensation for the six managers sacked since 2004, something other than sacking AVB is needed. A solution is needed that avoids another big payout.
1FITG is delighted to bring Roman Abramovich…
Five Ways To Nudge AVB Into Resigning
1. Make subtle changes to parts of his office
ALB is known to be a bit of a perfectionist according to those that have worked with him. Everything in his office is therefore likely to have been meticulously placed. By moving all of his furniture, general belongings, a couple of centimetres one way or the other, he’s likely to be driven mad. This could be combined with:
-reducing the size of his office a little each day, making him feel as though the walls are closing in on him
-replacing a lightbulb with one that flickers and hums incessantly
-releasing a fly into his office each morning before he arrives
2. Take a leaf out of Russia’s book
Abramovich will be aware that when Vladimir Putin had served his limit of terms as President of Russia, he still found a way of essentially continuing as President by beefing up the role of Prime Minister and then taking that instead. Keep AVB as manager, but bring Jose in anyway in some sort of role that for all intents and purposes looks separate. Club Secretary perhaps. Just quietly transfer some of the responsibilities over a gradual period of time…
We’re not quite there yet technology-wise for Abramovich to actually enter AVB’s mind and place the thought into his subconscious, but that doesn’t mean this couldn’t be attempted via other means. Perhaps have a few staff talking loudly outside his office about how lovely Portugal is at this time of year, how in a year’s time the UK will be approaching Children of Men levels of bleakness, or how if you don’t go on a round the world trip before you turn 35 you won’t get another opportunity in your lifetime.
4. Cut AVB off from Chelsea’s social links
This is fairly simple for the Chelsea staff to do. About to send an all-user email regarding Abramovich’s birthday party this year? Just remove AVB’s email address. Make sure he hears about the latest departure from the club from the groundsman, 3 weeks after it’s happened, that sort of thing. You could also change his phone number, so that not only does he no longer receive any phone calls, but whenever anyone gets a call from him he’ll hear noticeable surprise on the other end, as though they were expecting someone else – always unsettling.
5. Move AVB’s office to the basement at Stamford Bridge
In the film Office Space, in order to get problem worker Milton out of the way company head Bill Lomberg makes Milton move his desk to the office’s dimly-lit basement. Simply apply this oubliette tactic to get the man out of the way. Yes, if you follow the Office Space example to its conclusion, this might lead to Stamford Bridge burning down – though on the plus side, Chelsea do need a new stadium, are no doubt well-insured, and arson would probably be good grounds to cancel AVB’s contract without compensation.
- Dressing-room unrest at Chelsea lands Roman Abramovich in awkward seat | David Hytner (guardian.co.uk)
- Porto president da Costa: AVB doing well at Chelsea (tribalfootball.com)